I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
