My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
