um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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