She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
