No stitches, just platelets and will power
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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