Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
