How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
