I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
