i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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