i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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