i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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