don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
