Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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