im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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