i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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