The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
