I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
