She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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