hotel room ftw
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
