I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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