Screwed.edu
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
