so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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