why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
