Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
