I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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