saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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