Your face is a jimmy john
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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