I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
