i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
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besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
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He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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