just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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