Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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