last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
