It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
