that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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