Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
false alarm, still single
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
