I think i peed on brittanys purse
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
