I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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