Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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