If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
