I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
