Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
