Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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