Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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