I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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