Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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