omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
