all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
