I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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