Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I still have a little drunk in my system
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
