Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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