Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
