saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
