I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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