Rock
Scissors
Fuck
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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