drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
