I wish my penis had an off switch
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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