The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
