So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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